So That We May Have Joy!

     I figure it's as good a time as any to update my blog. Since it is the Easter season and all, I thought I'd share some of my thoughts from the experiences I've had the past few days, and the spiritual insight I've gathered from watching General Conference.
     I am reaching a point in my life where the decisions I make are most definitely going to impact my future in some manner. I hope with all my being that they are the decisions that will be for the better, not the worst. School has taken up so much of my time that I forgot about other important things. I have let school dominate my life, with good intentions. I fear for my future families well being. The grades I get in school -especially in the pursuit of med school- affect the future well being of my family and myself. No pressure. On top of that, relationships and work are also hefty decisions. Things that take great patience, maintenance and care.
     As of late, a few of these things have taken root in my mind, begging for their own consideration and thoughtful observance. They have grown in intensity, demanding to be addressed, that these past few days have been an emotional, surprise, roller-coaster. Not only was I flattened by them, but they decided to twist and turn, demanding their presence felt and hoping to leave scars. The confusion from one hammer fall, left a hole needing closure, while the other reared it's ugly head and roared as it stood on my back.
     However, there was light at the end of this ridiculous, undulating tunnel. I could see it peeking around bends as I walked on, searching for its source. The Love of God. The Atonement. My Family.

     Hearing the words of God through the prophets and apostles during general conference was a much needed assurance that there is someone looking out for me. Looking out for all of us! The apostles begged us to remember Christ and the Atonement performed. They pleaded with us the be obedient, to follow the Word of God. They implored us to pray to Him, to study His words, and live them. They bore testimony of the strength of families centered around the Lord. I loved every minute of it.
     In my vulnerable condition, my family came to my aid. Providing insight and solace. I would not be where I am today without the Lord and my Family! But even more comforting is the fact that I have a Savior who is there to aid me when I stand in need of comfort. He is there for every. single. one of us. Know that you are not the only one going through hardships. Know that your pains are not so unbearable, that He who went beneath us all cannot take that burden from you and wrap you in His arms. I love the Savior and what he has done for me. I am in awe at what he as done for everyone else! He died so that we may live! He lives so that we may have Joy!
   

*The Grandest Story of Epicosity*

I thought I'd have a little change of pace for this entry, hope you enjoy!

Hearken to my words! And prepare yourselves for an epic tale. A tale of virtue, resolve, soaring triumph, and -like all stories that go on long enough- crushing defeat.

Our tale beings in the dense, oppressive, muggy heat of my bathroom this morning. There I am, in the shower, innocently performing my morning ablutions, when i spy it! A small spider upon my shower curtain crawls. Intrigued, I watch this spider -this tiny creature- assured of its inevitable defeat for the folly of venturing into the watery grave of so many similar creatures.

But no! This is no ordinary spider, my friends. This little fellow is a paragon among spider kind. Rather than shy from the downpour, he valiantly attempts to cross the treacherous spray. Time and again rebuffed back to the relative safety of a fold in the curtain. But does he give up, does it resign himself to this sheltered cocoon? No! He struggles on, determined to complete his journey toward the source of his frustration.

Admiration fills me. It is hard to look on such courageous struggle without being moved. But the more I watch and think, the more I feel my admiration slowly becoming horror. I imagine legions of tiny spiders free from their debilitating fear of running water. To what heights might such a master race of arachnid ascend?!

It must not be! I'm sorry, but this must not be! I cannot let you father a thousand thousand superior spiders, little warrior. It is my duty to all of humanity that I send you to your watery grave -as a message to all spider kind that you will be, nay, that you must be washed out!

I fill my mouth with water and unleash a jettison above this brave creature. He slips. Falls. And to my astonishment floats. He dangles upon his silken cord, mocking my attempts to drown him. I'll not have it. Again, I unleash a torrent of water upon him, but to the same results! He mocks me as he clings desperately to that curtain, that vinyl wall. He resumes his climb.

Now my ire is the thing of legends. I will not be mocked in my own shower! Third time pays all, as the saying goes. This time, my rain of streaming water hits him squarely and he plummets to the slick acrylic below. Give him credit though, our intrepid friend puts all eight legs to good use! It takes three (yes, three!) waves of water created with my foot to wash him, scrabbling and fighting for every inch, down the drain, but in the end, down he goes -like so many before him.

Thinking this is the end, I return to my showering, but not a minute later, what do I see? This most amazing of insect-devouring fiends emerges, seemingly unscathed, from the drain. He has climbed up the waterspout! With the water still running!!

I'm awed. I'm humbled. I'm terrified. Clearly my assessment of his prowess and his danger to mankind was frighteningly accurate. And yet, I'm impressed. What does one do when faced with such stalwart spirit, knowing that his continued existence could one day cost you your life?

And so, with a heavy heart, and a heavy foot, I crushed him beneath my heel. I said a prayer for his soul, and thanked the Heavens that I was there to quite literally stamp out this threat to the human experiment, as he was washed down the drain. The drain from whence his mangled, itsy-bitsy corpse will most certainly not climb up again.

The RM Factor

I give any readers fair warning that what I write in this post may be blunt, and/or biased. I apologize for bias because I am a Returned Missionary and have very strong views about this topic, but there is no reason to apologize for being blunt. 

   So, attending school at BYU has been an absolute blessing for me. The people, atmosphere, and education are amazing, despite how difficult some of the classes may be. However, there is one social stigma that really just bakes my cookies, and that is the ever present "RM Problem". You know which one I am talking about, where any and every RM is looking to get married 2 weeks after their first date. And this is just the root of which many other related concerns stem from.

   Too often I hear conversations where girls get all sketched out by an RM asking them out on a date, and the same phrase is always present, "I'm not ready to get married.."  This absolutely kills me. I have been victim to this kind of thinking many times. I mean, where is the logic?! Last time I checked, everyone has agency. Sure, dating is the precursor to marriage.. marriage can't happen without it. Dating is to find people we are compatible with and enjoy being around. If nothing clicks, it's ok, life goes on.

   I understand that everyone has their own taste and choices, but going into a date with an RM-whether man or woman- having a preconceived notion that all that person wants is to marry something warm, kills the date and everybody loses. This type of thinking, I've found, is a source of doubt with some premies. It adds to the discouragement in an already difficult battle. Having served a mission should never have a negative impact on dating. it should be an added bonus. Sure, there are people out there that are actually looking to get married much faster than others. But it has nothing to do with them having served a mission... more age and maturity.
 
   Along with that, I hear complaints of RM's constantly talking about their missions. It shames them from talking about some of the most spiritual two years of that persons life. The experiences from such can never be replaced or duplicated. Those two years a missionary serves are filled with extreme emotional roller-coasters and life lessons. Why wouldn't someone want to share? (regrettably I had fallen into this mode of thinking and kept to myself about my mission). Now, I will admit that on a few occasions RM's place themselves on the wrong side of pride and hold a mission over peoples heads. But, I don't necessarily blame them, seeing as we are all products of our environment, and in Mormon culture, missions are a milestone in members lives.

   There are many other Returned Missionary related stigmas that build up and essentially make having served a mission seem like a bad thing. This is ridiculous and needs to stop. There is a rather large rift in thinking among BYU students -and Utahns in general- when it comes to something as simple as dating. There are those that avoid RMs for purposes I previously mentioned, as well as thinking they are "too righteous" (is that even possible??) And those only searching out RMs. The extremes are becoming more prevalent, and both have cons. (one with seemingly fewer cons than the other)

   I recognize I am quite possibly flawed in some of my thinking, and slightly biased. But I am just calling it as I see it. I welcome corrections and insights from others if they seem inclined to do so. All I know, is that RMs are good people (usually) and having served a mission should in no way be held against them by fellow members.

The Art of Prayer

      Prayer, to me, is an art, but at the same time isn't. It definitely takes practice and consistency. But, it is in no way reserved for the "skillful". It is an art in the sheer beauty of the action, in remembering the relationship each and every one of us have with our Heavenly Father. He is OUR FATHER. The fact that we can speak, plead, and express gratitude with a Divine Being is often overlooked. It is not something to take lightly, for it is so much more than talking to emptiness. We have a Heavenly Father listening to our every word, pleading with us to ask Him for help. His hand is always out, reaching for us, lifting us up after we fall, if we would only reach for Him too. He is there. He is listening. Never forget, in sin, sickness, pain, loss, success, love, and triumph, to pray. Because He will never forget to listen and answer. 

I thought I'd share one of my favorite poems. I hope you enjoy it. 

The “Praying Hands” are much, much more than just a work of art;

They are the soul’s creation of a deeply thankful heart—

They are a priceless Masterpiece that love alone could paint,

And they reveal the selflessness of an unheralded saint.

These hands, so scarred and toilworn, tell the story of a man

Who sacrificed his talent in accordance with God’s plan—

For in God’s plan are many things man cannot understand,

But we must trust God’s judgment and be guided by His Hand.

Sometimes He asks us to give up our dreams of happiness,

Sometimes we must forego our hopes of fortune and success.

Not all of us can triumph or rise to heights of fame,

And many times what should be ours, goes to another name—

But he who makes a sacrifice, so another may succeed,

Is indeed a true disciple of our blessed Savior’s creed—

For when we give ourselves away in sacrifice and love,

We are laying up rich treasures in God’s kingdom up above—

And hidden in gnarled, toilworn hands is the truest art of living

Achieved alone by those who’ve learned the victory of giving;

For any sacrifice on earth made in the dear Lord’s name,

Assures the giver of a place in Heaven’s Hall of Fame—

And who can say with certainty where the greatest talent lies,

Or who will be the greatest in our Heavenly Father’s eyes!

—Helen Steiner Rice

Inherently Weak, Blessed to be Strong.

   To anyone with good conscience, it is easy to see that as individuals we are not perfect. Far from perfect. You are not alone in feeling remorse or regret for mistakes, nor in the fact that those mistakes may be repeated. You are not alone in the anger and contempt you feel towards the ignorant, or the arrogant. You are not alone in feeling despair, the lack of motivation to continue with what you deem as trivial matters. Nor are you alone in making hasty judgments, being quick tempered, or slow to forgive (yourself and others).  As Humans, we often dance around with our partner "Weakness." And it is nigh impossible to avert her leering gaze, and skip out on that tricky two-step. We all fall into rhythm. We are weak. However, this isn't always a bad thing (depending on how we handle said weakness).

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."-Ether 12:27

Just because we have several weaknesses, does in no way mean we are stuck with them. If we are to humble ourselves and realize that through God's help, we may be blessed to become Strong! Blessed to become STRONG!! I LOVE THAT WORD!! Powerful, Resolute, Capable, Durable, Firm, Solid, Substantial, Mighty, Stalwart, Stout, UNYIELDING! I love it!

Not fixing our weaknesses only drowns us further in them. (if that makes sense-it made sense in my head). It takes time. Just as a sapling takes time to grow into the mighty oak, so will we. We have to put our Faith in God and have patience. We all have a way out! Flex that Righteous Bicep and make it huge!

The Beauty of Life and the Gospel

As I sat in my apartment this evening, I was hit with a few thoughts about life and what makes life beautiful.

I thought of the culmination of my own life up until this point. How simple happenings have lead me to where and who I am right now. The trials that I had faced when I was a little boy -and new ones I face now-, the lessons I learned from those. The people that had influenced my life, whether good or bad. The Bishop who took me under his wing. The neighbor who display incredible patience. Friends who stand by my side in lifes decisions. Family that stood, and continues to stand, as my foundation and never faltered, no matter how deeply my selfishness cut them.  

I then thought of how I am at this exact moment, and what I am doing. My self criticism was not forgiving in any field of judgment. My current life predicaments have come to define me. My reoccurring battle with school and the roller-coaster of emotions it provides. What I am going to do about a career. As well as the ever hovering eternal companionship issue. No one likes to admit it, but dating is hard and a bit of a chore. So far, timing has been swatting at the amazing women of my life left and right. The occasional feeling of loneliness. Then the sudden realization that I have Friends pulling for me, thinking of me whenever I'm not around. Family that will give themselves up to help me, to make sure I am happy. And that my life, despite it's many flaws, is beautiful. Blessings are Beautiful.

The word "Sonder", is a bit of an odd and new word.  It means to realize, as you are metaphorically walking the streets of New York, that every single person you pass is only a passerby in your life, as you are in theirs.  That each person has their own issues, the own foibles, pet peeves, temptations, emotional hardships, physical traumas. Their own decisions to make in life. Even though these people are in almost every way different from you personally, you share the fact that you have a Life! The little things are what makes up your life. Think of a sunset. You will never see the same sunset twice, they are always different, always random. But that is what makes them beautiful. The little imperfections make them whole. It's what makes them unique. The pinnacle of little events and influences in life make you what you are. Love, pain, distress, joy. We all feel it, but in a different manner.

To bring it all in. Try to wrap your mind around the fact that no two people live the same lives. The infinite number of combinations to make up ones life can NEVER be duplicated. Think of how many people lived, live, and will live on this Earth. The ups and downs of their lives are unfathomable. Yet, through the Atonement, Christ knew and knows each and every single up, down, and hard left turn of our lives. Yours. Mine. The Atonement is Eternal, reaching beyond you and I in both directions of time. I love this Gospel!

And thus it began..

This is my first blog post, and first blog for that matter, so please bear with me as I decide what direction to take this in.

I'm sitting here in my living room, contemplating what to do with my Friday-well, the rest of my Friday anyway- and I got the urge to finally start a blog. This is something that I've been wanting to do for a while now, just as a way to express myself and tell stories. I love telling stories! Some are funny, some are heartfelt, and some are filled with exasperation at daily life. I may even just through in little quips of the thoughts I have. Who knows? 

Soon, I'll be finishing up a summer job that has changed my life. I wouldn't say that these changes have been extreme by any means.  More like minute experiences that ever so slightly shifting my behavior and way of thinking. Kind of like a stone thrown in a small stream.  One stone barely changes the flow of the water, but add many more, and you can change the entire direction of the stream. 

I loved being a Sports Camp Counselor.  The people I got to meet and befriend are incredible. Whether it was a group of 13 year old children, going 16 strong. Or a few fellow counselors chilling at lunch together. I loved it all! Sure there were a few kids and counselors that made me want to throw something very far. But, that was all part of the experience. Besides, there were way to many enjoyable experiences to let a few awkward or confrontational mishaps to get in the way of how friggin awesome my summer has been!

A few passing thoughts about what I've learned..
-Do not underestimate anyone, you will be surprised by how a stranger can influence you.
-Do not hold grudges. Forgive/Apologize ASAP. You do not want that poison festering inside you.
-Be Open to everyone, Make friends. Growth happens outside the comfort zone.
-Sadly, Stereotypes begat stereotypes. (explanation: Stereotypical people treating others like stereotypes is a vicious circle. Especially when everyone becomes oblivious to their own actions.) Something a bit harder to fix and avoid. 
-Girls are still as complicated as ever...

I apologize if this post is a bit bland. I was attempting not to mind dump on the page because I have so much to write. Get out there and enjoy life! Happy Day!